Hello, beautiful friends. It's been ages
since my last post. In February and March, I battled my way through
Anatomy and Physiology and had an amazing time exploring the beaches in
Thailand and the jungle in Northern Sumatra. I've recently started a new
course at school which I'm really excited about called "Psychology of
Disease", which is the study of energy centers in our bodies (chakras) and
how they affect disease. It's definitely my jam : )
We were asked to write a paper on our own personal 'confirmed
addictions'. This really got me thinking about my definition of
addiction. Vulnerability warning: I'm letting it all hang out in this
post.
Okay, deep breath. Here goes.
‘Addiction’ is
defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as “a strong and harmful need to
regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something (such as
gamble).” The secondary definition is "an unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have
something.” What is my definition
of addiction? Personally, the secondary
definition from the dictionary resonates with me more than the primary. Society tends to label addicts as those who
have an extreme or severe problem with abusing alcohol or drugs, food, shopping,
or gambling. We (subjectively) measure
the severity of the problem based on the frequency and how we perceive its
effect on the person’s life. For
example, we tend to place the label of ‘addict’ on those who are debilitated by
their behaviour: the crack-using prostitute on Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside,
the alcoholic husband who beats his wife, the gambling wife who has put her
family in thousands of dollars of debt. But
what about the individual’s intent behind the repeated behaviour? Is it a form of self-medication in order to
cope with trauma, fear, sadness, anger, anxiety? And, if it isn’t a form of self-medication,
is it still an addiction? What about the
thirty-something female who goes to work every day and doesn’t touch drugs or
alcohol, and who also repeatedly exercises without ever giving her body a rest
because she believes she is fat? Or the
teenage girl who is the star on her high school’s volleyball team who is also
consumed with imitating the behaviour and appearance of a pop culture icon
because she believes that that is the only way that boys will be interested in
her? Or the twenty-something male who
gets straight A’s in university and regularly binge drinks on the weekend
because he believes it’s the only way his peers will accept him. Couldn’t we argue that even though these
individuals are participating in their lives in a way that society deems
acceptable, these behaviours are still debilitating for them? If we really look within, isn’t it possible
that we are all addicted to something, and that that addiction could be
preventing us from accepting ourselves exactly as we are, and discovering and
living the lives we truly want? Just
imagine if society softened its judgment of self and others, and opened up to
this idea. So, my definition of
addiction lies in the answer to this question: Is my repeated behaviour, or an
unusually great interest in something, or a need to regularly do or have
something an attempt to cover up or numb a part of myself that I have not yet
accepted and/or made peace with?
I am going to
talk about two of my own addictions: perfectionism and productivity, how they show
up in my life, how they serve or don’t serve me, and some strategies to enhance my wellbeing and soften my addiction.
Perfection
I
would not classify myself as someone who has ever been obsessed with being
perfect. However, I would say that I
have strived for certain ideals that could be classified as slightly
imbalanced. Truthfully, I don’t enjoy
engaging in activities that I don’t already know I am great at. I want to be the best at everything I do and
every role I play: the best student, the best paralegal, the best friend, the
best daughter, the best sister. It
manifested as anxiety in my late teens and early 20’s, and the word “should”
was a famous player in my vocabulary. And
when I make a mistake? Yikes. I am definitely not always very kind or
gentle with myself. I have very high
expectations of myself, which also means I have very high expectations of
others; and, this means I’ve spent a lot of time being disappointed.
I
believe that my addiction to perfectionism has also served me. I consider myself a highly motivated person
who always wants to do her best. I set
the bar high, and I have achieved many of the goals I have set in my life. Perfectionism has made me accountable to
myself, and to others. I know that the
people in my life can count on me to show up and to do a good job. I have always maintained good grades in
school, and I take great pride in handing in high quality work. In my career as a paralegal, I am organized,
work efficiently, and have a strong attention for detail and consistency.
My
desire for perfection was born in the shadow of my ego. I have used perfectionism as a way to over
compensate for the beliefs I’ve held about myself at different times in my life
that I am not worthy of love and acceptance of others, unless I am
flawless. I can remember times in my
life where I felt devastated if I received any sort of negative feedback either
at school or at work. Rather than seeing
it as an opportunity for growth and improvement, I saw myself as a complete
failure. Now I realize that there is
always room to improve, as long as that desire to improve myself doesn’t lead
to unrealistic ideals. I am mindful of
keeping this balance, and gently remind myself often that perfection is not a
realistic standard to achieve.
The following three strategies are some which I am either already using, or can use, to balance and soften my addiction and create realistic standards for myself, and others:
1. Teach someone something that I am very good at that perhaps
they are not as strong at, and observe my patience with that person. Journal about my experience to gain perspective
on how I might cultivate that patience and gentleness for myself;
2. Practice metta (loving-kindness)
meditation using the Buddhist tonglen
technique to cultivate loving-kindness towards myself, my loved ones,
strangers, and enemies. Using the tonglen technique, I breathe in (receiving)
the suffering of myself and others, and breathe out (sending) happiness for
myself and others; and
3. In times where I am being unkind to myself or beating myself
up for not meeting an impossibly high standard, repeat the affirmation: “I am
enough”.
Productivity
“Being
busy is my antidepressant”. I remember
telling my best friend this, about eight years ago. Always a full social calendar, a full-time
job, a part-time job, part-time school, training for half-marathons, performing
in musical theatre productions, and never-ending goals and to-do lists. Just typing this out makes me dizzy. I’m happy to say that over the past few
years, I’ve been working really hard on slowing down. In the past, I’ve definitely been addicted to
using productivity as a distraction from looking at and dealing with things I
was unhappy with in my life.
While
I’ve largely begun to change my relationship with productivity, it still shows
up in my life. I’ve been known to pull
out my phone while waiting in line or for an appointment, treating it as an
opportunity to respond to an email or text message, instead of noticing what’s
going on around me or reading a magazine or a book. I’ve also been known on a Sunday night to
schedule out my work, play and exercise regime for the week, and create monster
to-do lists. I will often look at a day
off as an opportunity to run from here to there and accomplish as much as
possible in a small amount of time. I
catch myself engaging in one conversation and listening to another going on
around me at the same time.
Productivity has definitely served me in a positive way in my life. As the saying goes, “If you want something done, give it to a busy person.” Working full time and going to school part time means I have to manage my time and make the most of it. My career is very deadline oriented which means prioritizing competing tasks in order to complete things on time. In short, productivity has helped me accomplish a lot.
Where
productivity hasn’t served me is when I am constantly expending my energy
outward, rather than keeping it for myself, and I end up putting others’ needs before
my own. Productivity prevents me from
saying “no” and often results in feeling over extended and burnt out. It makes me feel angry and grumpy. Productivity has also distracted me from
uncovering my true life’s purpose.
The
following three strategies are some which I am either already using, or can
use, to balance and soften my addiction and keep my energy inward:
1. Carve out time for myself each week, either during the week
or on the weekend, to do nothing but what I absolutely want to do,
versus what I could or should be doing.
This can include booking a lunch break for myself a few times a week
and/or turning off technology and anything else that may tempt my energy
outward, or treating myself to an hour with a good book instead of cleaning the
bathroom : )
2. Practice saying “no” to perceived or real obligations and
choose to spend time and energy on my myself; and
3. When unexpected free time presents itself, take the
opportunity to choose an activity that does not require doing something for
others or expending my energy externally.
For example, carry a book in my purse to pull out while I’m waiting for
an appointment, rather than responding to emails and text messages on my
phone.
In
conclusion, the definition of addiction can be viewed in a very broad
sense. We all engage in behaviours that
don’t serve us and that may be preventing us from living the lives we are truly
meant to live. And, before attaching a
negative stigma and beating ourselves up over it, we can consider whether balancing
or softening the behaviour can serve us.
Maybe we create new patterns of behavior that enable us to recover from
our alcohol addiction in order to help others around us who are struggling with
the same demons. Or maybe we being to practice
self-acceptance in order to overcome our eating disorder to help others who are
suffering in their relationships with food.
In
considering what our own addictions are, we can look at the behaviours and
patterns that we find ourselves regularly engaging in, and look at our
intentions behind them. If we stop
ourselves before we engage in the familiar pattern, and ask ourselves what we
are feeling: are we angry, afraid, anxious, sad? What is the outcome we are hoping for? Are we trying to distract from something, or
cover up a negative belief we have about ourselves? If we are willing to look at the answers to
those questions, we can begin to untie ourselves from the knot that is keeping
us entrenched in a behavior that is no longer serving us. We can also begin to observe with compassion those
around us who may be suffering with addictions of their own. As we begin to loosen the grip and “get out
of the way” of ourselves, we can recreate patterns to help us to live the life
we are truly meant to live.
After
all, we are all divine, unique, sweet souls having a human experience.
The
universe needs you, to be YOU,
xo
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